Long-distance relationships can be hard. Just ask any of the 14 million couples in the U.S. who are currently navigating the highs and lows of their LDR (long-distance relationship). 

While all couples inevitably face their fair share of challenges, couples in long-distance relationships often need to put in some extra effort to make it work so that they can maintain strong communication and trust. Research shows that couples who live one hour or more apart are more likely to break up than those living in closer proximity, with about 40% of LDRs ending in a breakup.

But let’s not queue the breakup playlists yet!

There are tons of great resources to help you and your significant other navigate these challenges, from books and apps to good friends who have done long-distance and can share their tips and advice. At twenty, we asked our mentors who have successfully navigated an LDR to share their wisdom about how to overcome challenges like timezone differences, long travel days, miscommunication, and keeping the spark alive. Here’s what they had to say.

Common Pitfalls and How to Avoid Them

So, you’re in a long-distance relationship… what could go wrong?

The most common pitfalls are:

• Miscommunication
• Developing trust issues or insecurity
• Misaligned or unrealistic expectations 
• Drifting apart
• Jealousy

Of course, every relationship has its own unique challenges and dynamics. Take some time to reflect on what you think you and your partner will be naturally good at and what you might struggle with. Lean into your strengths and come up with a strategy to help navigate your weaknesses.

Top tips for navigating long-distance relationships

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1. Be intentional about your communication

When we asked our mentors how to make long-distance relationships work, we heard one piece of advice more than any other: communicate, communicate, communicate. Consistent, open communication is key to maintaining a healthy relationship.

Now, this does not mean that you need to be texting all day and updating each other on everything you do. Distance already makes miscommunication much more common, and texting can often amplify this because it can be so difficult to decipher emotions, tone, and intentions behind texts. 

One strategy for building good communication habits is to be intentional about which medium you’re using to communicate. Ask yourselves what kind of habits you want to develop around texting vs. video calls vs. phone calls. 

Our mentors recommend using texting for more casual communications only, like brief updates on your day or saying goodnight and good morning! Save the longer, more romantic stuff for video or phone calls. And if you’re going to have a more serious conversation about your relationship, definitely make sure you prioritize speaking live or even in person if you can make it happen. 

That being said, the real key is to figure out what works for you and to intentionally decide together how you want to communicate. Here are some questions you can ask each other:

• How often do you want to text?
• How frequently do you want to call each other?
• What types of conversations are best suited for texting vs. phone calls?
• Are you open to saving longer, more important, or emotional conversations for in-person or video calls?
• Are either of you open to sending letters?

Do your best to set expectations–but make sure you’re open to adjusting throughout the distance. Different moments will call for different types and frequencies of communication.

2. Reflect on your needs and have conversations to set expectations

We all have different styles and languages when it comes to love, and we have different things that make us feel valued and seen. When stepping into a long-distance relationship, take some time to reflect on what you will need to feel good in your relationship. Then work on communicating those needs to your partner. 

How do you identify your needs? We recommend starting with some reflection. Ask yourself things like:

• When do I feel most seen in my relationship?
• What happens that makes me feel anxious or insecure?
• What makes me feel loved?
• Are there times when I feel more or less jealous? 
• When do I feel like I’m at my best in our relationship?
• What has my partner done in the past to make me feel safe?

By asking yourself these questions, you can start to unearth patterns that help you identify what your values and needs are in your relationship. You can also check out books and resources about how to identify your needs. One of our favorite frameworks is in the book Say What You Mean.

Once you’ve started to identify what some of your needs and values in your relationship are, the next step is to have a conversation with your partner about them so you can set expectations and start to strategize around how each of you can meet your needs. This will enable you to build a strong foundation for your long-distance communication. 

This might take some compromising! For example, perhaps you’re someone who values structure and consistency. One way you could work to meet this need is by scheduling calls at a regular time. Or maybe you’re someone who values intimacy. Instead of just planning to talk on the phone, you could plan a virtual date where you sit down and eat dinner by some candles together. 

Make time to check in with your partner over time as you start to figure out what works and doesn’t work for your LDR. Getting to know our needs is an ongoing process that requires self-reflection and exploration. Be patient with each other as you work to discover what each of you needs to succeed in your relationship.

3. Practice Honesty and Patience 

One common thing that can happen during periods of long distance is that emotions can fester. While some couples experience feeling more distant during long distances, others experience heightened emotions and more extremes. Whatever your experience, it is important to make sure that you’re being honest and communicative about what you’re feeling.

Distance makes it easy to hide or not acknowledge emotions that are festering, like loneliness, anxiety, sadness, and even jealousy. But whether you like it or not, those emotions will eventually bubble to the top or be expressed in different, more unhealthy ways. Rather than letting the emotion come out on its own, try to meet it face to face so you can have more of a say over how you are expressing it.

Be patient and honest with both yourself and your partner in navigating these situations.

How to keep the spark alive in a long-distance relationship

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1. Start a show or book together

Give yourselves something in common to talk about. One of the biggest challenges of living in two different places is that you end up having to do a lot of recounting of the events of your day to bring your partner into your life. Instead of always talking through what you ate for breakfast and what your commute to work was like, dive into a discussion about a new fiction novel, television series, or non-fiction book. This will help keep your conversations fresh and give you something new to consistently talk about.

2. Keep going on dates

Just because you’re separated by hundreds of miles doesn’t mean you can’t still plan a date. Get creative with your date ideas and plan something that will get you both excited. Or you can plan something that fits both of your routines, like going to the gym together or walking a pet. 

One of our favorite ideas is dinner delivery roulette. Each of you orders a dinner delivery for the other person without telling them what it is. Here are some other fun ideas to check out.

3. Be ready for occasional spontaneity 

What creates more of a spark than spontaneous acts of romance? Whether it’s taking a last-minute trip to see your partner, planning a vacation somewhere, or even just a surprise call throughout the day, acts of spontaneity are a great way to keep the spark alive. 

4. Don’t skip the little things

Little gestures can go a long way in an LDR. While they might feel trivial on their own, habits like texting goodnight and good morning, sending each other small gifts, or writing each other letters can be a great way to keep your romance alive.

5. Plan a visit

Planning a visit is a great way to keep the spark alive and build excitement and anticipation in your relationship. 

One strategy that we’ve found particularly helpful is to spend time planning the next trip while you’re on the current trip. This can make saying goodbye easier because you know another one is coming. Planned trips help make the time and distance feel more manageable because they break up the long chunks of time that you have to go without seeing each other.

Build excitement for your trip by planning out your days and talking about the things you want to do together. Whether or not you stick to the plan when you get there, the act of planning itself is exciting and demonstrates both of your investment in the relationship. 

Resources for long-distance relationships

Our last tip is that you don’t have to tackle your long-distance relationship alone! There are tons of books, apps, and websites all focused on long-distance relationships. 

Here are some of our favorites:

Cupla‍

Culpa is a calendar app designed for couples! It helps you stay synced with your partner's calendar so you can plan dates, phone calls, and visits with ease. You can even set reminders for each other and create a shared wish list for activities you want to try.

Rave

Rave is designed to make it easy to watch videos, shows, and movies together. It allows you to text, chat, or video call while you watch things together.

The Long-Distance Relationship Survival Guide

Written by two long-distance relationship survivors, this guide covers all the things you need to know to not just survive your long-distance relationship, but make your relationship stronger. It covers everything from managing stress and time differences to balancing sexual and emotional intimacy.

I Want This to Work

“I Want This to Work” is a contemporary take on how to navigate LDRs in the modern age of technology. This book gives tangible practices and tips for working through the challenges of long-distance relationships and teaches fundamental principles around how to navigate difficult conversations and create space to better connect.

FlockMod

This is for all the artist couples out there (and aspiring artists too). Flockmod is a real-time multi-user drawing application that lets you draw with your friends or your special someone. You can create a private room for you and your partner to draw together. 

Talk to People Who Have Survived an LDR

Other than books, apps, and websites, you can also look to friends who have experience with long-distance relationships. And of course, we here at twenty are also here to support you. Want to talk to a twenty mentor with long-distance relationship experience? Our mentors are here to help young adults navigate their twenties, personally and professionally. Twenty connects you with highly-vetted mentors and a thoughtful community to help you carve your own unique path.